Copyright 2001 by Bob Ray
HILLBILLY
DOOMSDAY
Based on a true story.
INT. ZEKE & LESTER'S HOUSE NIGHT
The filament of a light bulb burns white hot. We hear the muted bang of a dart gun being fired in the distance followed by a piercing clank of glass withstanding metal. The bulb jerks and vibrates with the clank and the filament continues to burn. The sound of a New Years Eve broadcast can almost be heard; as if our ears were trapped inside the bulb.
LESTER
(muted)
Check this out.
The sliding of metal can be heard as a someone cocks the gun. BANG! The gun is fired again and the bulb explodes in a shower of glass. A wave of sound floods in:
TV
We're only minutes away from the turn of the millennium...
LESTER (26) sits sunken in his couch, his dart gun aimed at the bulb.
LESTER
Dead eye.
ZEKE (27) floats in the cushions of the sofa perpendicular to Lester's, his pistol hanging from his hand. The walls of their dilapidated house are dotted with tool posters featuring half naked women, power saws, and Loni Anderson. There are a dozen empty quart-sized beer bottles wrapped in ghetto koozies littered about the room. Zeke lazily drops his gun and it thuds into the wooden floor.
ZEKE
Luck.
The remnants of Christmas are obvious. Zeke and Lester both sport brand new robes and slippers, there's a half-empty case of 40's still partially camouflaged in wrapping paper resting in the corner and carton of smokes with a bow on it lying on the coffee table.
LESTER
My ass it was.
Zeke's pulls the candy cane that he had sucked into the shape of a candy cane death spear from his mouth and takes a pull off his beer. Zeke plops the cane back into his mouth and sinks back into the couch. He slings his arm over his head and his fingers find the brownish keys of the old archaic piano that had died directly behind his couch.
ZEKE
What about a shitball way to spend new years eve.
He punctuates himself with the bang of the annoyingly out of tune notes. Lester casually snaps opens the empty dart chamber to his gun and fills it. He releases the slide on the gun and pushes it forward again. Zeke continues to fondle and pluck the keys of the old piano, releasing soured notes.
LESTER
You ain't lyin.
Lester, smiling like a possum eating shit, starts to giggle as he aims his weapon at Zeke. Zeke looks up from the TV to see Lester pointing the gun at him. He stops poking the piano keys.
ZEKE
You better not.
Lester looks at Zeke, then at the gun, and back to Zeke who takes a slug from his 40, confident that Lester won't shoot. Zeke's confidence wavers as his finger nervously fondle the piano key. Slowly, Zeke presses the key down. The piano mallet floats down toward the string and pops it with a springy bang.
BANG! Lester's finger flinches and fires his gun. The dart tears through the air and stabs into Zeke's neck. Zeke convulses in a pain induced spasm. Kicking and yelping and gyrating. Lester busts into laughter as Zeke's beer falls to the floor and rolls across the room, leaving a foamy wake.
ZEKE
(continuing)
Oh, you fuckin fuck! You're a god damn dead man.
Zeke snatches his dart gun from the floor. Lester's laughter turns to fear and he hurriedly cocks his weapon and pops open the chamber. Zeke releases and cocks with lightning fast speed and he grabs for his darts.
Lester jams the dart into the chamber and slaps it shut. Zeke, stuffing the dart into it's chamber, looks up and freezes like a stupid deer, he sees that he's been beaten. As Lester draws down, Zeke pulls the candy-cane-death-spear from his mouth and stabs it into the back of Lester's hand.
Lester screams in pain and his gun crashes to the floor and slides under the sofa. Zeke drops the candy cane and snaps shut the dart chamber as Lester leans for his gun, grabbing for it with his good hand. Zeke jumps to his feet and shoots the helpless Lester square in the top of the head.
LESTER
You cock suckin fuck!
Lester kicks at Zeke as he clumsily gathers up all his darts and turns to run. Lester grabs a hold of Zeke's brand new slipper and yanks Zeke from his feet sending him and his darts sailing through the air and crashing to the floor.
ZEKE
Aaaagh!
Zeke scrambles to collect his ammo. Lester grabs a dirty ashtray from the table and hurls it at Zeke.
LESTER
You fuckin jerk!
An explosion of ash and cigarette butts ricochets from Zeke's back as he crawls to shelter.
ZEKE
Oww. Asshole!
Zeke rolls and squirms his way to the bedroom with his gun and a handful of darts in tow. Lester swipes his gun off of the ground and as just as Zeke is rounding the corner, BANG! Zeke catches a dart in an exposed leg.
ZEKE
Aaaghh!
Zeke skids and crashes around the corner, again spilling his ammo. Lester snatches his can of ammo from the table and cocks his gun. Zeke scrounges around the dark bedroom, he finds a dart and hastily slides it into the chamber.
Lester, fully loaded, sneaks stealthily toward the bedroom door. As he rounds the corner, he raises his gun to the back of Zeke's unsuspecting head. Lester accidentally kicks a dart and it rolls in front of Zeke. Zeke slowly turns his head and looks over his shoulder to find Lester's gun hovering above his brow.
LESTER
Execution style.
BANG! A dart jabs into Zeke's forehead and he recoils back in pain.
ZEKE
Aww! You evil fuckin bastard!
As Zeke rolls onto his back, he pulls the dart from his forehead, snaps shut the chamber to his gun, and points it at Lester. Lester, in a superb defensive maneuver, spins out of his robe and throws it onto Zeke like a terry cloth casting net. The robe spins in the air as Zeke fires. The robe ensnares the dart from the air and the tip pierces the spinning robe. The robe drapes down upon Zeke's head and Lester pushes the blinded Zeke over and he slides across the floor.
Zeke angrily throws off the robe only to find Lester gone. He plucks the dart from the robe and re-loads it into his gun. Zeke sneaks over to the doorway and slips up to the edge to takes a peak around the corner. Lester, standing flattened against the other side of the wall, slides his gun into the loaded position. As Zeke's face creeps around the corner to take a peek, BANG! Lester shoots Zeke in the side of the face.
ZEKE
(continuing)
GOD DAMN IT!!! Mother fucker!
Zeke jumps up into the air and spins, flailing his arms in pain. Lester can't help but laugh.
LESTER
(excited)
Oh shit! I fucked you up, man.
Zeke wipes the dart from his face and regains his composure. Lester tries to make his escape but his brand new slippers slide on the hardwood floor; BANG! A dart digs into the small of Lester's naked back, sending him wailing and crashing across the room.
LESTER
Awww, shit that fuckin stings.
Lester falls to the ground, his face sliding across the shards of broken light bulb.
LESTER
Son of a bitch!
He crashes into the furniture.
LESTER
(whining)
I think you hit my spinal column, ya asshole.
TV
Ten...
CUT TO:
EXT. ZEKE & LESTER'S HOUSE NIGHT
A shot of the house from outside, we hear the boys making all kinds of noise, shooting at one another and such.
INT. ZEKE & LESTER'S HOUSE NIGHT
TV
Nine...
Lester rolls from one side of the doorjamb to the other like a retarded ninja, firing his gun mid-roll.
ZEKE
Take that motherfucker.
BANG! The dart sails through the air. THUD! It crashes into the coffee table Lester had turned on its side for protection and is lost in a forest of darts.
Lester, covered in swollen pink dart wounds, pops up from behind the table and returns fire.
LESTER
Fuck you!
ZEKE
Aaaaawwww!!!
TV
Eight...
Lester ducks back behind the table and searches the ground for a dart. Finding none, he reaches around to pull a dart out of the front of the coffee table.
Zeke's eye gleams in the light as he hides in the shadows. He lifts his gun and takes aim.
BANG!
LESTER
Shit!
Lester's hand flinches as the dart stabs into it. The spasm charges through his body.
TV
(continuing)
Seven...
Lester grabs his hand in pain and plucks the dart out. He cocks his gun and loads the dart in.
LESTER
You're bout ta start the new year lackin a left eye.
Lester pushes the slide of his gun forward.
TV
Six...
ZEKE
The fuck I will.
Zeke pops out from behind the door wearing sunglasses and takes aim at Lester. Lester fires and hits Zeke in the left eye of the sunglasses.
ZEKE
(continuing)
Oh, shit.
Zeke freaks and fires into the air, hitting the dust covered ceiling fan blade.
TV
Five...
Zeke scrambles back to the protection of the doorway. He tears the glasses from his face and pokes the broken lens out.
TV
(continuing)
Four...
Zeke puts the one lensed glasses back on and searches for a dart. Lester snatches a dart from the table and re-loads his gun.
TV
Three...
Zeke stretches to grab a pack of firecrackers that lie in the corner. His bare and exposed foot creeps around the doorway as he reaches for the tiny bombs. Lester takes aim as Zeke grabs the firecrackers. BANG! Lester fires and nails Zeke in the naked arch.
ZEKE
Awww! Shit! That's fuckin low!
Zeke freaks out and pulls the dart out of his foot.
ZEKE
Son ova bitch.
Zeke spies a chrome Zippo on the other side of the door and scrambles to it.
TV
(continuing)
Two...
Zeke strikes the lighter and puts it to the main fuse as Lester releases the slide on his gun. Zeke slides the pack of firecrackers across the floor, the fuse sparkling with flame.
TV
(continuing)
One...
The pack slides to a stop right behind Lester who, unaware of the firecrackers, pushes the slide of his gun forward and aims for Zeke.
TV
Happy New--
CUT TO:
EXT. ZEKE & LESTER'S HOUSE NIGHT
Blackness; the TV and all the power goes out.
LESTER
You think that'll stop me?
INT. ZEKE & LESTER'S HOUSE NIGHT
ECU, FUSE
LESTER
Shit can't stop me....
POP! POP! POP! POP! POP! The firecrackers thunder in rapid succession.
LESTER
Awww! Holy shit! You sneaky motherfucker!
Zeke busts up laughing in the darkness.
ZEKE
Yeah! Motherfucker, scud missile attack, motherfucker!
The firecrackers finally stop exploding.
LESTER
Now that shit ain't funny. You can cause ear damage & shit.
ZEKE
Fuck you. You started it, man.
LESTER
Turn the fuckin lights back--
One last firecracker pops.
LESTER
Jesus! For crying out Christ!
(slow and through his teeth)
Just turn the fuckin lights back on so I can shoot you in the fuckin face again you sneaky rat fuckin fucker.
ZEKE
Hell, you probly shot a wire or somethin, ya no shootin bastard.
LESTER
Dude. Come on, man. War's over. I'm done fucking around. I can't barely hear any more cuz of you're firebombs. Now turn on the fuckin lights.
ZEKE
I'm not fucking around either. I didn't turn the damn lights off.
(pause)
Hold on, I got some light over here.
We hear Zeke walk across the room and strike up his Zippo, the flame illuminates his face.
LESTER
Take that you asshole!
BANG. A dart jabs into Zeke's upper lip and his lighter crashes to the floor.
ZEKE
You fuck face! That ain't fuckin fair.
He hear Zeke punch Lester.
LESTER
And them fireworks were?
The lighter burns on the floor.
LESTER
No, for real, turn the lights back on, the shit ain't funny no more.
Zeke picks up his still burning lighter.
ZEKE
Listen dipshit, I didn't... You don't think it might be that Y2K or sumpthin?
LESTER
Are you fuckin serious, man?
ZEKE
I ain't fuckin around. I didn't do it.
LESTER
I heard about that shit. The Y2K.
ZEKE
I didn't turn nuthin off, man.
LESTER
That's whack fuck, that's fuckin whack fuck, man.
ZEKE
And didn't you hear the TV lady? She said, "Happy New--" and nothing.
LESTER
(starting to panic)
You're fuckin with me man.
ZEKE
How the fuck could I turn off the lights and TV at the same time, man. Think about it.
LESTER
(totally panicked)
Oh my fucking god...
Zeke convinces himself.
ZEKE
It must be, man. It's fuckin gotta be, man.
LESTER
Fuckin Y2K!!
ZEKE
Oh, man. We're fucked.
LESTER
It's the god fuckin damn apac-o-lips!!
ZEKE
(scared)
Shit Lester, there's fucking crazies out there. We're fuckin dead, man!
LESTER
It's the god damn apac-o-lips!! Are you fuckin crazy!? We're fuckin fucked, man. Fuckin fucked!!
ZEKE
Shit, Zeke calm down, man. Yer freakin me out, man.
LESTER
Don't you fuckin get it?! We're fucked, man. We're fuckin fucked.
ZEKE
Listen, man, we gotta keep our heads, man.... We gotta formulate some sorta plan here. Freaking out ain't gunna help us none.
LESTER
Yeah, yeah.
ZEKE
I think I got an ides. Hold this.
Zeke hands Lester the lighter. The flame reveals Lester's panic.
LESTER
(mumbling)
I can't fuckin believe it's mother fuckin doomsday, man that's fuckin lame.
BANG! A dart stabs into Lester's face.
LESTER
You ASSHOLE!
Zeke laughs out loud as Lester drops the lighter and the flame goes out. We hear them crash around the house fighting.
ZEKE
I couldn't help it man. I'm sorry... You fell for that one good... oh man, you shoulda seen the look...
LESTER
You god damn jerk! We're about to be at war with every god dam lawless mother fucker out there and yer fucking around!
ZEKE
You started it. You drew first blood!
LESTER
It's god damn anarchy out there! Ya jerk!
We hear Lester as he stomps up to the lighter and snatches it from the floor. Zeke can be heard rustling around in the background. Lester strikes the lighter, revealing his black eye and bleeding face.
LESTER
Listen, we seriously gotta get ourselves some protection, man.
ZEKE
Yeah...
LESTER
These fuckin dart guns ain't gunna fend off all them crazies.
ZEKE
Fuckin-a man.
LESTER
We gotta get some real guns and fuckin fast.
ZEKE
No shit, man.
LESTER
Some fuckin big guns.
ZEKE
Yeah, man...yeah.
EXT. TRUCK NIGHT
BANG! A beaten up old truck backfires and churns to life.
CUT TO:
The truck bouncing down a bumpy dirt road.
CUT TO:
INT. TRUCK NIGHT
Zeke is driving and Lester takes a slug from the bottle of moonshine decorated with a bow, they're both smoking Black & Mild cigars. The say nothing, only sit and pass the shine.
The truck pulls up to a house in the woods. Zeke hits the brakes and the rear window brake light, dangling from its broken casing swings into the cab and bobs a red light upon them.
EXT. HARRY'S HOUSE NIGHT
Zeke shuts the car off and they sit in the hypnotic sway of the bobbing red light. Zeke takes a final slug off the shine. They hear a noise from outside and Zeke lets off the brake pedal, killing the red light.
Cousin HARRY (34), covered in camouflage clothes with a belt of shotgun shells strapped across his chest cocks his shotgun and lights up his gun-mounted flashlight, hitting Zeke with its beam.
HARRY
Y'all had better state yer purpose!
Zeke's eyes squint as he opens up the door and starts to step out of the truck.
HARRY
That's about enough movin, over there.
Zeke leans up to the crevice between the door and truck.
ZEKE
Fuckin A Harry! It's cousin Zeke and cousin Lester in the truck there.
Lester pokes his head out the window and Harry shines the beam on it.
LESTER
We need to talk to ya bout somethin. Come on out from hiding, will ya?
HARRY
Y'all alone?
ZEKE
Yeah, we're fuckin alone Harry. What do ya think we got a truckload of day laborers in the back or what? Ya paranoid piece of shit.